On the John
Originally published in the Indiana Daily Student on November 7, 2003
Women often ask me, “Jack, what is it about two women making out that men find so damn appealing?”
Well, when a woman hooks up with another woman, we naturally assume for some reason that if she’s willing to hook up with a woman then she’ll be willing to hook up with a woman and me at the same time. That’s our thought process. We’ve somehow come to assume that all lesbians are actually bisexuals waiting to happen, and the only thing more exciting to a straight male than the prospect of great sex with one woman is great sex with two women.
Of course this is foolish because Lord knows most of us have enough trouble pleasing one woman, much less two. But maybe that’s part of the appeal: If I ever hook up with two women at once, it will be comforting to know that no matter how badly I might perform, both women will enjoy themselves, and I will only have to do half the work I normally do.
This is not the same for women because most women I know find two men kissing nearly as unappealing as straight men find it. I personally don’t know many straight people who admit to enjoying gay porn. And by gay I mean man-on-man porn, because woman-on-woman porn has become a staple of soft core Skinemax that many straight people will openly admit to enjoying.
I was told once that while a woman’s body is a work of art, a man’s body is ugly and functions strictly as a mode of transportation. That seems true enough, and would certainly explain why women kissing simply for sexual purposes is sexy, while many people think men kissing simply for sexual purposes is not. Michelangelo’s “David” is the only piece of art I can think of that tries to make the male body beautiful, and while we marvel at the precision of the sculpting and acknowledge that “David” is a perfect specimen of a man, nobody I’ve ever met has been turned on by it. As popular as the sculpture is, even more popular is the refrigerator magnet of “David” that allows people to admire him in blue jeans, khaki shorts or anything that doesn’t leave his pieces blowing in the wind.
So it could be that there is no beauty in men kissing for purely sexual purposes, or it could be that because we live in a male-dominated society, women have been conditioned to find man-on-man sex a turnoff. Whatever it is, it has affected us so deeply that women are allowed to experiment in ways men aren’t. Sure, I thought it was hot when Madonna and Britney Spears kissed on MTV for all of the reasons listed above, and while people talked about the controversy, the sexiness and the outlandishness of the act, they never talked about what it was: a lesbian encounter. Is Britney Spears lesbian or bisexual? Probably not. She’s probably just a sexy, straight woman experimenting with another woman. But what if it had been David Bowie and Justin Timberlake? The public’s reaction would be totally different.
Two straight women kiss on national television and we think it’s sexy. Meanwhile, multiple tabloids print news about which men might be gay: Mike Piazza, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves …
I may think that Madonna and Britney kissing is hot, but what if they really were lesbians? What interest would they have in me? None. The fun ends when the fantasy ends, and the reality is that true lesbian women have as much sexual interest in a man as that man has for two gay men.
Copyright 2003, jm silverstein