Time To Settle Accounts
January 14, 2012: A religious fanatic.
“I’m kind of nervous about this game today,” I told New Jack. He was working at his computer, but I needed to talk.
“Patriots – Broncos,” I said. “I kind of want to see Tebow against Ray Lewis,” I said, not waiting for New Jack to respond, “but if he makes it to the Super Bowl, this whole thing has gone too far.”
“Because of the whole Christian thing?” New Jack asked.
“Because he’s not a good quarterback,” I said. “The Christian thing is actually kind of interesting. Remember the whole Tebow-threw-for-exactly-316 yards thing?” I asked, getting sidetracked.
“And the 31.6 yards per completion,” he said. “Yeah yeah. What’s up now?”
“Roethlisberger threw his one pick on 3rd and 16.”
“Get the fuck out of here!”
“Wait, it gets better. The guy who caught the game-winning pass was born on Christmas.”
“That doesn’t impress me.” New Jack said. “Who cares what day the receiver was born? It’s not like Jesus passed the ball to some other dude.”
“I hate Tebow,” Justin yelled from the other room.
“I kind of like him,” I said. “I just can’t deal with him being in the Super Bowl. It’s too absurd.”
“I’m not with you. Why is that absurd?”
I double take. “Because he’s not fucking good! If Denver gets to the Super Bowl, they either win or they lose, right? If they lose, it’s because their quarterback is BAD at PASSING. And if they win, it makes absolutely zero sense and we may as well stop watching sports altogether.”
“Right,” said New Jack, “because you’re a sports fan. For you, sports fits into this longstanding narrative where things must make sense according to history.”
“Of course you’d say that,” I said stubbornly. “You’re an anthropologist.”
He smiled. “But there are a lot of people for whom sports are just an appealing diversion and Tebow creates the most appealing diversion.”
“If Tebow plays the Packers,” I continued, not really listening, “I’m going to have problems. Last year we had to choose between the Packers and a rapist, and this year it would be between the Packers and a bad passer. Frankly, I’m not sure which is worse. Does that make me a bad person?”
“Probably,” New Jack said. “But you’re still better than the rapist.”
“I guess I can’t worry too much about it,” I muttered. “The game will be the game.”
“Sort of a it’s-in-God’s-hands sort of thing?”
“Jesus let’s hope not.”
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